The term "give and take," as it applies to
friendship, means that two people make concessions and compromises in order to
have an emotionally balanced relationship. Give and take is an attitude and
approach to a healthy friendship. While you can never totally
"divide" things equally in friendship, if you realize there needs to
be a give and take, you will both give up some things and both gain some
things.
Balance in Friendship Isn't Always Well-Defined
In friendship, give and take is sometimes a difficult
concept to maintain. The balance of who is doing "more" for the
friendship will go back and forth, and over time it should be a fairly equal
thing. But in the short-term, it is impossible to determine who is giving more.
Only in hindsight are you able to really look back and access.
For instance, one friend might be going through a difficult
time and as a result, the other friend needs to be flexible with scheduling or
in making the first move in suggesting a get-together.
Or perhaps one friend always makes plans for their group,
while others happily go along without lending a hand. In this case, one of the
friends will have to pay attention to things they can help with, which in turn
will create a more balanced friendship.
The reason you can't have a completely equal give and take
is that life doesn't offer those kinds of opportunities, and relationships are
all as different as the people involved in them. While one friend might be a
great listener, sitting patiently whenever a friend needs to vent, another
friend might be more proactive in communication and keeping in touch. Everyone
has strengths and personality traits that play into the give and take of their
friendship.
While give and take is never totally equal, you should do
your best as a friend to make sure you're doing your part as best you can.
How Can You Give More Than You Take?
The times where the balance of a friendship can be off are
all opportunities for someone to make an extra effort, and put more
"give" into the relationship and "take" less. These might
include:
- Taking the initiative in communication and keeping in touch.
- Making plans and inviting friends along.
- Being the first one to apologize after an argument.
- Forgiving friends when a disagreement happens.
- Paying for your fair share during the activities you attend.
- Volunteering to drive or arrange for transportation.
- Listening fully when your friend needs to vent.
- Stepping back to allow your friend the spotlight.
- Doing something nice for a friend just because.
- Correcting an Unbalanced Friendship
When the give and take is off-balance, one friend may feel
used or at the very least as if they are putting more into the friendship than
they are getting back. It's dangerous to put too literal a "line" on
give and take because it's often hard to define. However, if a friend feels
that they are putting in more effort into the friendship than the other person,
this can signal a problem that hasn't been worked through and needs to be
discussed.
Sometimes friends will get stuck with an unbalanced
situation for years, with one friend feeling resentful and the other thinking
everything is fine. If you feel you're putting more into the friendship than
your pal, don't get angry. Instead, think about the things your friend might be
doing that actually makes things more equal that perhaps you hadn't noticed
before.
If you still feel that there is an issue after that, bring
it up gently with your friend. You could do this by just changing the
"routine" of your relationship. For example, if you're the one that
always drives, ask your friend to do it next time. If you listen more than your
friend, ask her to please hear you out because it's important to you. Try this
first and if your friend won't change, bring up your concerns.
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